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Vulnerability for Creatives
This past weekend, I had myself a wee breakdown. It was an insecurity extravaganza, and it happened—heaven help us—while I was on the phone with my mom on Saturday night. It came up from nowhere (not really, but it felt that way at the time), and whacked me over the head like one of Wile E. Coyote’s anvils. And then, several hours later, when Mom emailed to say she wished she could make it better, I spent two hours trying to explain it all to her. Now, over the last year or two I’ve become a big fan of Brené Brown. I heard of her when her TEDx video went viral; if you missed her then, you may have heard her name since she was on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday this past month. She’s a social work professor who studies shame, and her work is eye-opening. I’ve read her first two books and I took an online class with her, which is the only reason I figured out what was going on. Shame Bites It turned out I had a bunch of shame triggers hitting me all at once, and it took me down in almost no time. I’m not going to go into detail, but there were at least three or four triggers involved. As you might guess from the name, these are things that bring up your doubts, your insecurities, and worse, the voices that insist to you that not only is there something wrong with you, you’re fatally flawed and don’t deserve to live. It’s a really good time, believe me. I wouldn’t have said anything else to my mom the other night if she hadn’t broken the ice with one simple, emailed sentence. Going out on that limb would have required a level of mind-boggling vulnerability that I wasn’t capable of. But with the ice broken, I went for it. It probably helped that it was late at night and I was too tired to be totally self-conscious about it. I sent that email at 12:30 am and hoped for the best. Slept like a baby, in fact. And then the next morning, I remembered what I’d sent, and to whom. The vulnerability hangover (Brown’s term) hit me, and all I could think was, “OMG! What did I do?!?!?!????” I felt like I’d received a mild electric shock for at least an hour and if I hadn’t had plans to visit a friend, I probably would have curled up under my comforter until my body forced me to become upright. The good news is that things went pretty much exactly as Brené Brown describes in her work on shame and vulnerability. I got a nice email back from my mom where she did her level best to relate to what I was saying and offer some examples from her own life. Some stopped me in my tracks because I hadn’t thought about her perspective before. She also promised that she would not talk about what I’d told her and certainly wouldn’t forward my email (I’d asked her not to at least twice, so that was a relief!) The whole thing made me cry. And there is not a single doubt in my mind that I am closer to my mom now than I was before that phone call on Saturday night. So what does all this have to do with creativity? Simple. When we create, we’re like the kid who doesn’t want to admit to Mommy and Daddy that she feels rotten about herself because the Shame Monster has come to visit. We get all self-conscious about what we “should” create. What’s acceptable in the eyes of those whose approval we value? Do we really dare to include that thing that we think would be cool but we fear will seem weird to everyone else? Why are we even doing this in the first place, when everyone will think we’re just weird? And worst of all, what will everyone think when they see/hear/read/watch this project of ours and see part of us that we’ve never shared before? Will Great-Aunt Sadie recognize herself in the character who screams at everyone she sees? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!! Now, it’s true that some people don’t realize how vulnerable we make ourselves when we share our creative selves. Non-artists sometimes don’t make that connection. A lot of people do, though, and the thing is…when people recognize that we’ve done something brave, they make room for us. They respect us for having the guts to do it, even if we don’t do it perfectly. They take in the things we’ve created more carefully. And even if it turns out that they don’t like it (or like us!), if they can tell that we’ve made a sincere offering, they’ll still respect us. Be a stereotypical haughty artist about it, and they’ll skewer you for the crimes of pretension and ego. But sincerity and decency break down walls every time. When audiences respect and appreciate the strength it took to put our work out into the world, they connect with us. That connection brings joy to both artist and audience alike.

13 Comments

  • Lacy says:

    Wow. Isn’t amazing how much power mother-daughter relationships have? Both good and… less good. 🙂

    • Nancy says:

      It is amazing! I think there’s far more good here than not-so-good, but you’ll have to come back tomorrow to learn what happened next!

  • HeidiK says:

    I’m so curious… I can relate to that “what have I done feeling”. Will be back tomorrow to hear the rest of the story.

    • Nancy says:

      I am pretty sure we’ve all experienced vulnerability hangovers, Heidi. The result depends a lot on who you’ve bared your soul to. More tomorrow!

  • This is a very vulnerable post and I appreciate your honesty in talking about it on your blog. It’s hard for a lot of people to be this open with their lives especially as an example of the struggle within our own minds. I applaud you for your bravery and am on pins and needles for tomorrow’s conclusions!

    • Nancy says:

      Thanks, Jocelyn. It’s kind of amazing how hard it is for most of us to be really honest, isn’t it? All that cultural conditioning gets in the way. It was actually easier for me to write this post than the email on Saturday (though, of course, I didn’t get into nearly as much detail here!). A lot of the struggle is internal, though it also depends on who we’re dealing with.

  • Carolan Ross says:

    I’m also a fan of Brene Brown and was glued to the screen when she recently appeared on the OWN. I found her views (and yours) to be very thought-provoking, tend to view my vulnerability as a weakness and yet there can be power there.
    I’m getting a deja vu … either I have been on this site before or maybe we just have a whole lot of common interests… ie. Kaizen Muse, creatives, soul collage… feels like home.

    • Nancy says:

      Hi, Carolan!

      There is definitely power in vulnerability. In her second TED talk, Brene makes the point that the person getting up on stage has to be willing to be vulnerable to be up there, but the audience doesn’t see it as being vulnerable–they see that person as being brave. There’s a lot of truth there.

      Deja vu is good, right? 🙂 I hope you’ll stick around and make yourself at home!

  • Maxine says:

    Wow this sounds to familiar, although not mother it was my sister, I can’t wait to read the rest of your story. I have had a lot of growth pains of late and I understand not wanting to get up go out and face my world. Thanks so much for your courage in sharing Nancy

    • Nancy says:

      Thanks, Maxine. It’s rough stuff, but it’s better than pretending all the time. I’m glad I had that friend waiting for me on Sunday, though–I really needed to get out of that headspace and meeting her made it much easier!

  • Rosanna says:

    We all have those vulnerable, insecure moments. I always say, “This too, shall pass.” And it does, just not as soon as I would have hoped, though.

  • Can’t wait to read part 2 of this post. I have been having vulnerability issues with my mom this past week, to, so I completely empathize. I am a huge fan of Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly. Loved her message and her vulnerability in sharing her personal story. I personally believe that allowing our vulnerability to show through sparks our creativity and deepens our creative expression!

    • Nancy says:

      Hi, Minette!

      Isn’t Brene wonderful? I haven’t read Daring Greatly yet, but I have read her first two books and love them. I think you’re absolutely right about vulnerability working for us creatively, too.

      I hope you’ve already found the link to the second part of this post, which is at the bottom of this one (click the word “tomorrow”). 🙂

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